The Stormwatcher
Jivon Chan
existed since
05/10/1992
Leaving memories of past, present, and future, all within its keep.
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-------
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Its been so long since i last blog. I just want to find somewhere to vent out things that are bottled inside of me that i just cant find anybody to vent out to.
I have just started my internship. Its a long 3 months that i have to tolerate being in the working life. So far, tbh, everything is still going alright if you just judge it externally. My colleagues are friendly and helpful, my bosses are lenient and flexible, and my workload is light and easy. But deep down inside, i know its not alright. This job is not going to reflect well in my resume. It does not hold any significance or importance that can show that companies who hire me in future can benefit. And my colleagues are so on and off. They can be so friendly to you and talk to you in a moment and then in the next moment, we are like strangers.
I feel inferior as compared to the other interns. I dont even have my own desk and computer yet. Yes i know, im demanding and over-confident, and i know that i shouldnt want to fly even before i learn to walk, but its just the uncontrollable feeling inside of me, this feeling of not being in any sense important lol.
And then, I feel like im getting more and more alienated from my friends. It just seem as though I cant differentiate work and play anymore. I dont even know when to mature and when to relax. And I dont even feel comfortable telling any of my friends about all these because I know they wouldnt understand. I know im not a good friend either. I dont even know if the best friend of mine is still even my best friend anot man, its like I dont even know much about him anymore and it seems difficult to talk to him like how we do in the past, its as though theres no more best friend or fun element already.
The last thing is my love life. Yes, its the thing that is making me so fucked up about. And its the thing that i actually was spending the whole night yesterday thinking about. I just feel so fucked up whenever i think about this. I admit, i have no looks, no humour, no sensitivity, no money, as well as no security to give. But im trying hard. Im not like my best friend or my close friends or even my closest cousin... I have nothing to give, and it just sucks when you are always reminded of this when you are already trying hard to give yourself confidence.
It really feels alot better after i have vented out, maybe I should just alienate myself for the time being until im ready for everything again. Sigh.
I have just started my internship. Its a long 3 months that i have to tolerate being in the working life. So far, tbh, everything is still going alright if you just judge it externally. My colleagues are friendly and helpful, my bosses are lenient and flexible, and my workload is light and easy. But deep down inside, i know its not alright. This job is not going to reflect well in my resume. It does not hold any significance or importance that can show that companies who hire me in future can benefit. And my colleagues are so on and off. They can be so friendly to you and talk to you in a moment and then in the next moment, we are like strangers.
I feel inferior as compared to the other interns. I dont even have my own desk and computer yet. Yes i know, im demanding and over-confident, and i know that i shouldnt want to fly even before i learn to walk, but its just the uncontrollable feeling inside of me, this feeling of not being in any sense important lol.
And then, I feel like im getting more and more alienated from my friends. It just seem as though I cant differentiate work and play anymore. I dont even know when to mature and when to relax. And I dont even feel comfortable telling any of my friends about all these because I know they wouldnt understand. I know im not a good friend either. I dont even know if the best friend of mine is still even my best friend anot man, its like I dont even know much about him anymore and it seems difficult to talk to him like how we do in the past, its as though theres no more best friend or fun element already.
The last thing is my love life. Yes, its the thing that is making me so fucked up about. And its the thing that i actually was spending the whole night yesterday thinking about. I just feel so fucked up whenever i think about this. I admit, i have no looks, no humour, no sensitivity, no money, as well as no security to give. But im trying hard. Im not like my best friend or my close friends or even my closest cousin... I have nothing to give, and it just sucks when you are always reminded of this when you are already trying hard to give yourself confidence.
It really feels alot better after i have vented out, maybe I should just alienate myself for the time being until im ready for everything again. Sigh.
//BlueBlacKzJC struck at
2:54 PM\\